What can you do when arguing has become a habit?
Sometimes in relationships, what starts as playful teasing can slowly evolve into a negative cycle of arguments, snide remarks, and defensive behaviour. It can become an entrenched negative way of relating to one another. When this pattern sets in, it can damage emotional connection and intimacy, leaving both partners feeling frustrated, unheard, or even unloved.
We have enough to deal with in our lives, without having to constantly be defending yourself or thinking of spiteful comebacks. We have enough challenges like work stress, personal responsibilities, and unexpected difficulties. We don’t want to feel on guard in our own home, ready to defend themselves from criticism.
For example, if your partner is always ribbing you about the extra folds in your belly, it can make you wonder if they still find you attractive. It can chip away at your self-esteem. It can even lead you to doubt their love. If left unaddressed, this communication pattern can escalate into resentment and when this sort of rot sets in, it can even lead to divorce..
Even if they don’t mean anything by it, it can still be hurtful when it becomes the most common form of communication between you both.
So what can you do to change this?
Having an honest discussion about it can help. You might choose your moment. For example, you could gently bring it up after you are both in a good mood after sex.
Tell them you’d like to do an experiment. You’d like to see if you end up having sex more often if you only say positive things to one another. Then every time they slip back into the old habit of picking faults, remind them of the experiment.
They say it takes a few weeks to replace a bad habit with a good one. So don’t give up in the first week if you both slip back. Just renew the pledge to change and start again.
Lead by example
Spend some time thinking of positive comments you can give your partner. What do you admire about them? What actions of theirs are mutually beneficial? What aspects of their personality do you like?
Use positive reinforcement
Every time they say something nice to you, give them a warm hug or a passionate kiss. Reward the positive. As this sort of behaviour can also enhance the physical connection between you both, it might also help your experiment to prove itself.
Reflect on how it is going
Occasionally bring the topic up again and discuss how you feel from receiving positive rather than negative comments.
Are you both feeling happier?
Do you feel more connected than before?
What changes have you noticed in your interactions?
Be grateful for any positive comments you have both shared.
Think about how you both want to develop as people and how you can help each other on that journey. For example, if you want to be a more loving, giving sort of person, have your partner comment whenever you act in accordance with that desire.
By actively reflecting on the progress, you reinforce the importance of maintaining a positive communication style. Expressing gratitude for any positive changes that have occurred further cements these new habits. This mutual support fosters an environment of growth and strengthens your connection as a team.
Final thoughts
Breaking the cycle of habitual arguing isn’t about suppressing disagreements or pretending problems don’t exist. It’s about shifting the way you communicate so that both partners feel respected, appreciated, and emotionally safe. By choosing positive reinforcement over negativity, you can transform your relationship into a source of joy, intimacy, and deep connection.
If you’re struggling with persistent relationship conflicts, professional counselling can provide guidance and tools to rebuild communication and trust. At RestartingRelationships.com.au, we offer expert advice and strategies to help couples reconnect and thrive.
Take the first step today—because a happier, healthier relationship is within reach.